Believe me; running away seems easier than staying back with trepidation in your stance, and with one appearing to be courageous when you know you are not, yet still bracing up for the fight ahead of you. I actually thought a break was one of the things I needed, I had a lot of struggles within my mind I wanted to be resolved, a lot of responsibilities hanging around my neck, demands I needed to meet up with, things I wanted to badly do away with; yet the ideas kept coming, at times I wished to stop my mind from thinking, the imaginations of something beautiful that would happen if I follow on with the idea in my mind kept crossing my thoughts every second.
Must I really do it? Can’t I be allowed to stay in one corner peacefully with no thoughts running through my messy mind? I noted down reasons why I wasn’t fit for that dream? If you could see my list, you would perhaps be left to wonder how I could write a thousand reasons that negate the dream in me.
Easy is beautiful, uneasy they say lies the head that wears the crown. I didn’t want the crown, I didn’t want the dream, in fact, I never wanted to dream big, the little I have is enough; BIG LIE.
I told myself the lies, walked with people who freely sponsored the quick death of my dream, the comfort I enjoyed earned me false peace. You are great the way you are, they told me but deep down I wanted something more because I believe there is always room for more.
Though I wanted more, I was scared of discomfort, scared of staying up nights after nights over this dream, I was scared of spending a dime to support the dream in me, I was scared of showing up even when all I wanted was to stay in the dark. I was scared of the disappointments, failures, disapprovals, rebuke I would get. I wanted more, but the place of sacrifice I didn’t want to be found there.
I wanted more but the art of time management, I wasn’t ready to learn. I wanted more, but the tears I didn’t want to cry. I wanted more, the frustration I didn’t want to feel.
I wanted more but I didn’t ever want to show up for my dreams. I wanted more, yet my talents did I hide hoping to reap where I had not sown.
I wanted more, the pain I wasn’t ready to be afflicted with. I wanted more, but I was never ready to stand up for what I thought I wanted.
Did I ever want more? Were my dreams all but fantasy? Did I ever want more? Perhaps if I did, I would have asked for grace? Did I ever want more? Or is the goal I envisioned just a child’s play?
I ask myself over and over again, Did I ever want more? Am I ready to show up for my dreams, my goals and all? Am I ready to stand up for what I want? Am I ready to be bruised, battered, shed tears all because I had a dream? Was it going to be worth it all because I wanted more? Was it going to worth it at the end of it all?
If I ever wanted more, would I be wise or foolish with the dream in me?
Maybe or Maybe not?
There is always room for more… Will you show up?